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I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.