I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.