Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE