This is always good for a laugh.
You Might Also Like
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Never forget.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.