If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites