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[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy