I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?