LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
favorite tropes as memes
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
is this store having a stroke wtf
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow