So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir