Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I feel seen
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
i think we should see other cousins
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂