Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?