Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Yup.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.