He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”