*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.