When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”