ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*