for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Good morning
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*