Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.