UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
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I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Wait a minute
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
✌🏽
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
consequences, the bane of my existence
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.