I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
This meal prepping shit easy
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Put the is in disheveled
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,