Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor