me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
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I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.