Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’