I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
…żyje?
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you