[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
We have a winner.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney