“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
saving face 👀
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.