This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
He a real one for that
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.