[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
This is not me but this is me
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.