I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987