Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I got soap in my shower beer again.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan