Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Nothing.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Best mom ever 😂
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Thinking about Jeff
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower