[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.