If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
scared to check what name she chose
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
He a real one for that
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!