centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?