There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.