HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
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If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???