Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
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I only treason on days ending in y
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”