my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
You Might Also Like
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.