3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights