A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
You Might Also Like
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water