I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.