Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Home #decor warning.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.