I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.