I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
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“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.