I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
One venti cheeseburger please.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.