its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
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If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
What do you hear?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Knock Knock
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: