did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys