I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that