Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Lmaoo 😂
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.