That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
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Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter